When Will my Life Begin?

 

   They say life starts when you are born. Your life begins when you are out of your mother’s vagina, and the nurses won’t stop slapping your butt until you cry, and that’s the first time you feel pain. Babies cry when they are hungry and cold. How I wish adults could do the same. We can’t just cry if we are hungry and waiting for someone to feed us. Instead, we should take action to fill our empty stomachs. It sucks when, in the first place, your parents don’t have your permission to be born, and your future is in your hands. But here we are, where we only have two options in life: to die or to live with suffering. So, I choose to live with suffering.

   I’m turning 24 on the 17th of September, and honestly, there’s nothing special about it. It’s just a reminder that I’ve added another year to endure. I earned my degree and got my license at 23—and that’s it. I don’t know what comes next. It feels like that was the end of my life—the end of my productive era. Now, I’m stuck within the four walls of my room, doing nothing. Well, to be specific, I’ve just been watching movies and playing online games. At least that’s something, right? Maybe one day I’ll become a famous person who publishes movie reviews online, someone people rely on to decide what to watch. Maybe I’ll become a world-renowned gamer, unbeatable even by a 70-year-old challenger. Or maybe... I’m just nothing.

   Some of my friends have landed jobs, enrolled in their master’s, become vloggers, and the worst part? They’re getting married. Meanwhile, I’m NBSB, unemployed, broke, and skinny. That’s me right now. Well, at least I have adorable dogs. One thing I can be proud of? I’m nobody’s girlfriend. Being someone’s girlfriend sounds fucking stupid. Imagine having a boyfriend who’s stricter than your mom, always deciding what’s best for you, monitoring you 24/7 like a security guard. I swear, I’d rather die than be in a relationship like that. Call me bitter, but love isn’t my priority right now. I’m just trying to survive in this world full of shit.

      I always find myself wondering when the world will end. Is the world ending? Or will we end first before the world does? There’s a war going on right now. Should I be worried or should I be happy? This war reminds me that there are people out there desperately wishing to be saved, while I’m here wishing a bomb would hit me in the face. Someone out there wants your life to be theirs, and that’s the harsh reality. The problem is, we often fail to appreciate what we have. We keep demanding more, chasing after the life we think we deserve. We dream of a perfect life, traveling the world every week, buying Gucci bags, and dining in fancy restaurants. But maybe what we really need is to be more present, to stop looking so far ahead that we forget how far we’ve come.

      Living in this world isn’t just about happiness. We can’t just sit and sleep like babies. We suffer, and suffer, and suffer until we’re no longer suffering, probably because we’re already dead by then. Suffering is part of living, but too much suffering? That’s part of dying. I want to die without pain, but that’s impossible because I’ve lived with it all my life. The only thing left to do is to let suffering mess up your life until it finally ends. I’m not trying to be harsh here, I’m just writing about what reality feels like. Life isn’t sweet. Life is about surviving. And in the end, it depends on you how you choose to face your suffering. 

   I’m turning 24, and I constantly feel like I’m running out of time. Should I get a job? Start a business? Go abroad? Get married? Time keeps moving, and we can’t stop it. All we’re told to do is live every minute. But how can I live every minute when I’m the one who doesn’t even want to live with it? When will my life begin? That question used to echo in my head like a distant song. But the truth is, life doesn’t follow a perfect schedule or wait for some grand sign to start. It begins the moment I choose to show up for myself. It begins when I stop waiting and start living on my terms, at my pace. Whether it’s today, tomorrow, or years from now, the power to begin has always been mine. I just have to say yes to it.

Don’t feel sorry for me. I never did. It’s just… some days, I can’t help how heavy it all feels.